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 | | From: | SadParent | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | 19 Jan 2005 16:22:31 -0800 |
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 | I know this thread is old, however I find myself in a very similar
situation to the "Concerned Father" poster. There are a few
differences,
but the similarities between his situation, and the one
in which we are right now is striking.
I really feel sorry for the original poster and hope
all his problems were solved.
Our daughter is in a very bad, one-sided relationship right now,
which causes her to lose all morality and respect values.
The boyfriend she's dating is showing no respect towards her
and anyone else, and is simply using her. She's refusing to see
anything bad about him, and even when she sees it, she just
finds an excuse (blaming someone else usually) for his behavior.
He is currently pressuring her into breaking with her own family (us).
We know she is strongly considering it. We don't want to lose her,
we know this relationship will end up badly one day, but meanwhile
we don't want her to destroy her life (drop out of school,
drugs, alcohol, STD, pregnancy, you name it...). She used to be
very smart about her choices in all other aspects of life except
for this one. She's not thinking at all, it's all emotions
("if it feels good it must be good"). It's all a typical
brainwash, where she just refuses to see things the way they are.
She also has a very low self esteem
when it comes to boyfriends/dating (she's afraid if she's not
in a relationship she'll be alone all her life).
We want her to become independent and in a healthy relationship.
By healthy we mean a relationship where the boyfriend is
respectful towards her and caring about her.
We tried talking, convincing, but nothing helps. The only help
we can think of right now is to find a really good family psychologist.
Since we never had to deal with a psychologist, how do you find
a good one (by "good" I mean one which would help us dealing
with our brainwashed daughter in a constructive way). Can anyone
here help us finding one, or recommend one? For all it's worth we're
in Chicago area. Or at least give us some advice, or point us
to places where we can get some advice.
Any help greatly appreciated, we're getting desperate here.
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| | From: | R. Steve Walz | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | Thu, 20 Jan 2005 03:28:00 GMT |
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| SadParent wrote:
>
> Our daughter is in a very bad, one-sided relationship right now,
> which causes her to lose all morality and respect values.
----------------------
Yes, she needs and wants , and you're demeaning her for having the
same needs you have, how stupid and novel of you.
> The boyfriend she's dating is showing no respect towards her
> and anyone else, and is simply using her. She's refusing to see
> anything bad about him, and even when she sees it, she just
> finds an excuse (blaming someone else usually) for his behavior.
----------------------------------
And as long as he's her way out of your abusive clutches that seek
to deny her her uality, she will continue to do that AT ALL COSTS!
> He is currently pressuring her into breaking with her own family (us).
------------------
Something she REALLY needs to do, but of her own self-esteem, not
his substitute. You see, SENSIBLE parents aren't so STUPID as to
try to control her at that age!
> We know she is strongly considering it. We don't want to lose her,
> we know this relationship will end up badly one day, but meanwhile
> we don't want her to destroy her life (drop out of school,
> drugs, alcohol, STD, pregnancy, you name it...).
---------------------
She WILL do all those things and you can't stop her, she is doing
it to prove to you that you can't control her, and she won't stop
UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETELY CONVINCED!!! Your ONLY HOPE is to STOP AND
BACK THE FUCK OFF AND LET HER HAVE HER WAY, AND WITHOUT DENYING HER
YOUR HOME OR AFFECTION, or else she will simply see that as her
cause to continue hurting you.
> She used to be
> very smart about her choices in all other aspects of life except
> for this one.
------------------------
No, she was just sucking up to you and your manipulation.
She was imitating, not thinking.
> She's not thinking at all, it's all emotions
> ("if it feels good it must be good"). It's all a typical
> brainwash, where she just refuses to see things the way they are.
--------------------------
No, as YOU think she SHOULD! She actually IS finally thinking NOW!!
> She also has a very low self esteem
> when it comes to boyfriends/dating (she's afraid if she's not
> in a relationship she'll be alone all her life).
------------------------------------
This comes of being smothered by your relationship.
> We want her to become independent and in a healthy relationship.
-----------------------------------
Not really, you want her to be dependent on you, that's why you
never let her learn to judge people for herself and make her own
decisions early on. That is why YOU demeaned her and dishonored
her right to make her own decisions and demolished her self-esteem,
because you wouldn't have been able to control her with intact
self-esteem! You intentionally raised a maturity-delayed child
and now you don't like the result!!
> By healthy we mean a relationship where the boyfriend is
> respectful towards her and caring about her.
-------------------------------
You THINK that's what you want, but actually you want her to
stop having and being a ual being. Sex is evidence of
independent thought. No one who is severed from abusive
upbringing will do without it.
> We tried talking, convincing, but nothing helps. The only help
> we can think of right now is to find a really good family psychologist.
----------------------------
No reputable counselor will go near a 17 year-old nearing the
age of litigation and unwilling to play your games. Their malpractice
insurance doesn't permit it, and NO therapist will touch an unwilling
client, that's simply rule #1.
> Since we never had to deal with a psychologist, how do you find
> a good one (by "good" I mean one which would help us dealing
> with our brainwashed daughter in a constructive way). Can anyone
----------------------------
What you don't "get" is that YOU are the ones who have brainwashed
your daughter. Any psych or pshrink can tell you this. But now as
she emerges quite late into adulthood, your brainwashing is now
failing. She is making the mistake of trying to find a boyfriend
to give her ual love that you've denied her and shamed her about,
one who is exactly like her manipulative father. Takes one to know
one, don't it, pops??
Grow up. You can't bang your daughter, other guys will do that now.
Steve
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| | From: | Dan Abel | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | Thu, 20 Jan 2005 09:46:27 -0800 |
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| In article <1106180551.174433.273050@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
"SadParent" wrote:
> I know this thread is old, however I find myself in a very similar
> situation to the "Concerned Father" poster. There are a few
> differences,
> but the similarities between his situation, and the one
> in which we are right now is striking.
I'm not sure if the subject of this post refers to your daughter, or
whether it is just the original subject that you are responding to. Are
you in fact posting about your 17 yo step daughter? If not, how old is
she?
My younger son (just turned 22) has a friend who is bad news. We've known
him since he was very young, and he lived across the street from us for
his first twenty years. His mother apparently commited suicide when he
was in second grade, and his father died of cancer when the kid was 17.
He always had some problems, but really went downhill when his father
died. He was arrested, both for drugs and theft. He inherited quite a
bit of money, but the conservator of the estate refused to give it to him
because of his lack of responsibility.
He is the same age as my son (they were in kindergarden and first grade
together) and we recently found out that he is getting married to a 17
yo. A little later we found out she is pregnant. I just wonder if she
knows what she is getting into, and I wonder what her parents are going
through now. I am very hopeful that the guy is going to straighten out
and everything will be wonderful, but I have many doubts. My wife is
convinced that it will be a disaster.
--
Dan Abel
Sonoma State University
AIS
dabel@sonic.net
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| | From: | dragonlady | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | Thu, 20 Jan 2005 00:30:33 GMT |
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| In article <1106180551.174433.273050@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
"SadParent" wrote:
> We tried talking, convincing, but nothing helps. The only help
> we can think of right now is to find a really good family psychologist.
> Since we never had to deal with a psychologist, how do you find
> a good one (by "good" I mean one which would help us dealing
> with our brainwashed daughter in a constructive way). Can anyone
> here help us finding one, or recommend one? For all it's worth we're
> in Chicago area. Or at least give us some advice, or point us
> to places where we can get some advice.
> Any help greatly appreciated, we're getting desperate here.
I can tell you what I did in similar circumstances. I did everything I
could to draw the young man into our family, and to make no disparaging
remarks about him. It wasn't always easy. However, inviting him for
dinner, sitting and having conversations with him (and our daughter)
helped her see him in a different light. It also allowed me to see the
charming side of him that had originally attracted my daughter. I also
did my damndest to JUST LISTEN when she talked -- not even agreeing
with her when he said he was treating her badly, though I might make
comments like, "That doesn't sound like it feels very good."
My daughter eventually stopped seeing him (though not before contracting
Hep B). She has problems, but I can't honestly just trace them to him
-- she made the choices she made.
I'm not sure forcing her to see a therapist if she doesn't want to will
help -- especially if she sees it as an attempt to break her up with
him.
I guess I'm suggesting that rather than contribute to a situation where
he's trying to make her choose between him and her family, you encourage
a situation where she does NOT feel she has to make a choice -- welcome
him into your home and your family, so she doesn't feel she has to leave
her family to continue to be with him.
I know this sucks. But I think it's the least damaging approach with a
girl this age.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
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| | From: | charles381 at webtv.net | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | Thu, 20 Jan 2005 16:03:58 -0500 |
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| ....both need a good bare bottom spanking......that is how they fixed
situations in the "old days"...and it
will work now if we weren't so afraid
to do it......
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| | From: | R. Steve Walz | | Subject: | Re: 17 yo Step Daughter and Boyfriend | | Date: | Sat, 22 Jan 2005 23:42:04 GMT |
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| charles381@webtv.net wrote:
>
> ...both need a good bare bottom spanking......that is how they fixed
> situations in the "old days"...and it
> will work now if we weren't so afraid
> to do it......
-------------------------
It didn't work, and you're the one who needs the shit kicked out
of you for your ignorance and stupidity.
Steve
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