Internet Oracularities Digest #1463

Subject:	Internet Oracularities Digest #1463
Date:	Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:19:49 +0000 (UTC)

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:36 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1463

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1463
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1458 27 votes 35c70 36873 61c71 47493 23a57 88614 44586 28674 44874 47862
1458 3.0 mean 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.0 3.4 2.4 3.3 3.1 3.1 2.8

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, please tell me if Frank Lehnen will be a faithful boyfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have no reason to suspect that Frank Lehnen is inherently
} unfaithful, but due to the curse of human free will (I was completely
} against that idea, by the way) I can not be sure how he will behave in
} all potential circumstances. The only way to verify his future
} faithfulness will be to put him to some kind of test, similar to the
} plot of the 1998 David Schwimmer vehicle (one of the so-called "Friends
} Films") Kissing a Fool. If you haven't seen it, it's a charming romcom
} co-starring My Name is Earl's Jason Lee where one friend asks the other
} friend to seduce a woman in order to prove (or disprove) her loyalty.
}
} To aid you in your quest, I will take on the form of a beautiful woman
} and approach Frank Lehnen in the supermarket.
}
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} ORACLE: Hi, there.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Oh... Um, hello.
}
} ORACLE: I'm a beautiful woman.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Uh, right, yes.
}
} ORACLE: Can you tell me if these melons are ripe?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Excuse me?
}
} ORACLE: Perhaps you can tell by how firm they feel.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: No, that's a myth. With watermelons you want one that is
} free of dents, bruises, and cuts. If stripes are found all around the
} melon, it's just not ready yet.
}
} ORACLE: Oh, okay. Um... Would you like to check my melons?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Maybe you should find someone who works here.
}
} ORACLE: I'd so much rather you do it.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: I'm kind of in a hurry, ma'am.
}
} ORACLE: Ma'am? Did you just call me ma'am? I'm a beautiful woman and
} I'm obviously coming on to you.
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: I have a girlfriend.
}
} ORACLE: So, ditch her. [Singing] Don't you wish your girlfriend was
} hot like me?
}
} FRANK LEHNEN: Look, you're a lovely woman but I'm just not interested.
}
} ORACLE: Not your type?M- NOT YOUR TYPE?M- I'LL SHOW YOU NOT YOUR
} TYPE.
}
} ****ZOT!!!****
}
} * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Well, I've got good news and bad news.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-02

Selected-By: Dave Hemming

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ooh, Oracle, sweetie:
>
> One itsy bitsy thing I forgot... will you bring the lubricant?
> Thankoo!
>
> Looking forward to it, darling,
>
> -Darling

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Considering that you are rebuilding the entire transmission for me,
} it's the least I can do. Half a gallon of 75W-90 coming up, Mr.
} Darling.
}
} I do hope you don't mind my not sticking around, though. I'm not up
} for axle grease stains today, and the supplicants are waiting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a look at the brakes while you're in there.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-03

Selected-By: "Tim Chew"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, wonderous player Oracle.
>
> You have:
> A 1cm cube area of stopped time.
> 2 lightsabers, which may be connected to form a double-bladed
> lightsaber 1 gram of antimatter, sealed in a magnetised vacuum flask
> with 20 minutes of charge in the batteries A telephone directory
> A FULLY operational DeLorean
>
> What do you do now, punk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Connect vacuum flask to car battery, to make it last longer.
} 2) Drive to supplicants home. Address can be found in telephone
} directory.
} 3) Use light sabers to chop down door.
} 4) Throw stopped time at supplicant to prevent him from creating
} trouble.
} 5) Disconnect flask from car battery
} 6) Hide flask in supplicants room.
} 7) Drive away. Fast.
}
} Boy, are you gonna be surprised in 20 minutes! But not for long.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most amazing oracle that lights up my life like a lightbulb with
> very many watts:
>
> Happy happy smile fun lolz?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Happy happy smile fun lolz?
}
} Jesus. You'd think you'd never tried to ask a girl out before. But as
} you stare at Lisa, you realize: you never have.
}
} > x Lisa
}
} Lisa's gaze meets yours momentarily and begins to slide down to a point
} just ... to the left of your hips. As you put down your gin untouched
} and flick a glance left, you have time only to recognize the face for
} who it is before you hear a sharp crack that tells you you won't be
} needing that drink after all.
}
} *** YOU HAVE DIED ***
}
} You are carrying:
} a lightbulb (on)
} a steam kettle (empty)
} two Grecian masks
}
} You have not scored, but the Oracle has.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I see that this prescription drug has the effects "mask-like facial
> expression," "drooling," and "priapism." Will taking this enhance my
> social standing or no?
>
> Thank you in advance for your infinite wisdom and kindness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange as it may seem, the prescription may in fact increase your
} social standing, particularly if taken in conjunction with an
} anticholinergic medication, which can minimize or even eliminate the
} pseudo-Parkinsonism - the facial expression, drooling, and tremors.
} The possibility of priapism is more of a concern; despite the
} popularity of certain other prescriptions, when it doesn't deflate on
} cue, it's no fun. (That's also a less common side effect.)
}
} The crux here is what's currently messing up your social standing, how
} much you want to change it, and how effective this prescription would
} be at helping that.
}
} Good luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for ostracism.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-06

Selected-By: "Tim Chew"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Friend,
>
> you have been chosen to participate in our clinical trial of clinical
> trials!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Facebook Applications meets Reader's Digest.
}
} You owe the Oracle your thanks to the inventors of Facebook Lite.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-07

Selected-By: "Tim Chew"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh fantabulous, crabulous Oracle!
>
> If I cross an elephant with a moebius strip... oh, who am
> I kidding. You're just going to go off on some tangent and
> ramble about something entirely unrelated anyway, aren't you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, thank you for reminding me. Yes, the Thirty Years' War was
} horrible, with all this fighting and atrocities on the civilian
} population. Which brings me to my point, that fruit is good for your
} health, and the tastiest form is grape juice fermented in wooden
} barrels, then stored in sealed glass bottles. And while the teaching of
} mathematics in public schools does need to be reformed and improved,
} the keeping of large and potentially dangerous breeds of dogs should
} nevertheless be regulated. Which of course should not be construed to
} mean that manned space exploration is in any way detrimental to the
} maintenance of narrow-gauge railways in the Baltic states.
}
} And by the way, the offspring would not be viable. With its nose
} twisted into an endless chiral single-sided surface, it would
} suffocate.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-08

Selected-By: "Tim Chew"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I see no reason to listen to a word you say, UNLESS I am a SAUSAGE!
>
> A PORK sausage! With HERBS!
>
> And clearly I am NOT a PORK SAUSAGE with HERBS!
>
> So? What do you say to that, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You go on the tour of that Gourmet Sausage Factory tomorrow don't you?
}
} It's okay, you can trust the railings. I promise.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-09

Selected-By: Dave Hemming

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'd like to file an official complaint to Mr. Oracle. Last week he
> told me to brush my teeth using a walrus to cure my chest pains, but
> the lemonade was Purple and the parsley flakes were expired. I demand
> compensation!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Internet Oracle Customer Relations Department.
} Demi Gorgon, Facilitator
}
} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Thank you for availing yourself of the services of The Internet Oracle.
} Your opinion is of great value to us, so please take a brief moment to
} complete this online customer satisfaction survey and tell us about
} your recent supplicating experience. We welcome your input and the
} opportunity to enhance the quality of the superior service TIO gives.
} By completing the online survey, you are eligible to be in the drawing
} for a $50,000 gift card from Things Divine, TIO's gift catalog.
}
} Please login with your user name.
}
} Not a valid user name. Please enter your user name.
}
} Not a valid user name. Please enter your user name.
}
} Please enter your password.
}
} Invalid password.
}
} Invalid password. Password must be greater than five characters.
}
} Invalid password.
}
} Invalid password. Is your caps lock on? Password is case sensitive.
}
} Thank you. Login is successful.
} Please enter your grovel into the box, up to a maximum of 13,588
} characters.
} _________________________
} | |
} |_________________________|
} |SUBMIT| |CANCEL|
}
} Please wait, while we run a keyword scan on your grovel.
}
} Welcome to TIO's online customer satisfaction survey. Answer the
} following questions by filling in the blank next to the response that
} best reflects your feelings about your most recent supplicating
} experience.
}
} 1. In the past twelve months, I have beseeched the Internet Oracle...
} O a) never
} O b) fewer than three times
} O c) 3-5 times
} O d) more than five times
}
} 2. Regarding my grovel, I felt that it communicated...
} O a) confidence and parity of status
} O b) the correct trepidation without being obsequious
} O c) a deep and abiding abiding humility
} O d) awestruck rapture
} O e) there was no grovel
}
} 3. Regarding my grovel, the keyword count will show an acceptable
} occurrence of the words...
} O a) almighty
} O b) this unworthy one
} O c) your omnipotence
} O d) I wish to re-enter a new grovel
}
} 4. Upon reflection, my supplication could have been best served by...
} O a) absolutely no one else but the Internet Oracle
} O b) Dear Abby
} O c) my proctologist
} O d) keeping my big mouth shut
} ______
} |SUBMIT|
}
} We're sorry. You selected d on question 3. You must complete your new
} grovel prior to submitting this page of the survey.
} ______
} |SUBMIT|
}
} 5. The reply to my supplication arrived...
} O a) the same day it was sent.
} O b) within two days after sending.
} O c) more than two days after sending.
} O d) lost in the queue.
}
} 6. The reply to my supplication was...
} O a) the perfect panacea to what ailed me.
} O b) tough love tempered with humor.
} O c) couched in another Gilbert & Sullivan or Princess Bride parody.
} O d) lofty and arrogant
}
} 7. The tribute demanded by TIO was..
} O a) modest and respectful of my transient impecuniosity.
} O b) fairly representative of the value of the divine service rendered.
} O c) rather steep even for what you'd expect of a deity.
} O d) how does a schmuck like me get the Dallas cheerleaders to agree to
} do that?
} ______
} |SUBMIT|
}
} Thank you for participating in our online survey.
}
} The contents of this survey is proprietary to The Internet Oracle
} (TIO). By participating in this survey, supplicant agrees to abide by
} the terms of agreement set forth in the terms of service promulgated in
} the header. Any legal disputes or claims for compensation will be
} settled in one of two ways: 1) Arbitration by the impartial firm of
} Obeah, Dowser, & Hag, P.A. or 2) Staff of Zot against the supplicant's
} choice of weapon at twenty paces. In case of a judgement going against
} the plaintiff, the plaintiff will be responsible for legal costs
} incurred by the aforementioned Obeah, Dowser, & Hag, P.A. In lieu of
} cash payment, the supplicant may substitute twenty (20) years of
} indentured servitude to TIO plus any and all virgin daughters over the
} age of consent. Courts of arbitration are held on alternate leap years.
} Plaintiff must file Claim Form T-586QN prior to applying for an
} arbitration date. The Plaintiff will not be issued Claim Form T-586QN
} unless an arbitration date has been set.

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Date: Wed, 18 Nov 09 11:19:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1463-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose somnolent thoughts, expressed in strange
> vagaries, are the stuff of all augury,
>
> Why is Charadrius melodus referred to in the common parlance as the
> 'Piping Plover'? Whence the 'Piping'? And how does one 'Plove',
> anyway?
>
> A puzzled supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant who has encountered Incarnations in various altered
} states of consciousness,
}
} These birds are traditionally served very hot (hence 'piping'),
} usually with a spicy/sweet sauce that drips liberally (hence 'plover,'
} from the French 'pleuve,' to rain). So therefore you could plove by
} being a drip.
}
} OK, not really.
}
} The piping is the characteristic sound made by the bird. I could tell
} you that one ploves by dashing along the beach and stopping suddenly
} over and over - but in reality that would be a neologism. The name is
} in fact French in origin; 'pluvier' - which is, by no coincidence at
} all, the same as the French present-tense verb for 'piping.' It
} follows that one would plove by imitating the bird's piping call.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Buffalo wings.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1463
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